Babies With Guns!

No one disrespected Charlie. He was a potential killing machine, a baby with a gun.  The chrome plated pistol was small enough to fit in Charlie’s chubby hands. He had to use two hands to pull the trigger, but that didn’t deter Charlie in any way.  He was an ace shot at the target range. His loving Mom, Mimsie, gave him the gun at birth. Mac, Charlie’s dad, was very proud. The pistol was a hand-me-down from grandpa Hank. Everyone knew guns spread love — loaded guns were the bond that held a family together. Every weekend mom and dad took Charlie to the range to practice. Mom and dad never got tired of seeing all the babies in strollers lined up: Babies with guns on parade — babies shooting at targets — and best of all, babies shooting it out in duels. Charlie hadn’t shot anyone yet, but his time would come. A first kill was the best gift a baby could give to his or her parents. Of course the first kill was usually an animal.  Animals were good practice. It was also good sense to eat what you killed and that kept the family larder full. Parents would run through the woods, pushing strollers, looking for targets. Wild animals plus dogs and cats were considered fair game. The babies who brought the greatest love to a family were heroes who actually killed enemies: robbers, homeless people, or bad neighbors. Babies were flexible with no preconceived ideas so they were perfect for front-line defenses. Senior citizens were much too cautious and asked too many questions before resorting to a gun. Often, to a family’s credit, they would arrange duels for their children. An arranged duel was a risk because no one could determine which baby (yours or theirs) might get maimed or killed. The excitement and praise to the brave parents was enough to keep the tradition of the duel ongoing. In some cases, a baby gunslinger might get the “blood-lust” and go on a killing spree (tolerated, but not considered good behavior). When there were no negative consequences, the family of the winning duelist received a government pension in the name of their baby — there could be no greater honor.

Mac and Mimsie were eager to enroll Charlie in a duel. They had nasty neighbors who never carried guns and refused to go to the firing range — they also had an ugly baby named Suzie Sweetbrow. Mac and Mimsie petitioned the NRA ruling-council to set up a duel between Charlie and Suzie. The petition was immediately approved, but baby Suzie did not want to participate (which was unheard of). In a  Democracy people were obligated to fight for their rights and freedom. Pacifism was not an option. The townspeople descended on the Sweetbrow family and dragged them to the firing range. A forced duel was arranged between Charlie and Suzie. Charlie had his chrome gun, but Suzie had none. She refused to carry a weapon. By law, Charlie was obligated to finish the duel and just shoot Suzie, but he felt awkward firing at an unarmed opponent … besides, he thought Suzie looked pretty. He was smitten. The tiny girl batted her big, baby blues. Tears rolled down her rosy cheeks. Charlie lost it … he dropped his gun. It fell out of the stroller,  hit the ground and fired with a bang — the bullet ricocheted and hit Daddy Mac in the leg. Mac was down. Baby Charlie grabbed the wheels on the stroller and rolled himself to Suzie. The two strollers touched. The babies gurgled. This was not supposed to happen. The NRA was infuriated. It was indecent and unpatriotic for babies to refuse to bear arms. Everyone was confused. This situation had never happened before. The babies climbed out of their strollers and sat in the sand enjoying a pretend tea party. More babies climbed down from the bleachers and gathered around Suzie and Charlie. Afterall, Charlie was a leader and if he decided to play with Suzie it must be cool. Guns were abandoned and parents were very upset by the spectacle. Some adults took potshots at the babies in the arena, but that didn’t seem terribly appropriate. In the end the confused parents abandoned their babies and took out their frustrations on one another. Somehow the babies survived, taken in by homeless reprobates who hated guns. The babies grew up to be playful, peaceful, and strongly in favor of gun control.

Babies + Guns



  1. Randolph

    Bravo, Lee. This is an excellent piece of satire, perhaps one of the best you’ve written. (One copyedit note: it should be “bear” [not “bare”] arms. Also, “his or her” doesnt need to be hyphenated. Sorry to be a stickler, but talent like yours deserves to be edited where it warrants it.) This piece should definitely make the final cut in that book you’re putting together.

    Liked by 1 person

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