Arena of Fate

Hamstrung and stretched beyond his physical limits, Gilroy smacked his lips and stepped into the Arena of Indispensable Avatars who ruled the Universe. He was a small man but he had a large brain, a necessity when entering the Arena because the Avatars passed judgement on wayward worlds – Earth was wayward, home to a population of primates just begging for a comeuppance. Gilroy Flopsinger (his full name) was not certain how he came to be chosen as the representative of the Earth, but he often found himself in inexplicable situations – like the time he dated Shareen Elfdom and met her father who was not quite human and wanted to devour Gilroy’s head.  It had been a harrowing experience that led Gilroy to the realization that nothing is what it appears to be – so, now, he could accept the improbable reality of being in the Arena to represent the Earth.   The Avatars were extraterrestrial, but not what a rational person would expect from Aliens.    Most of the Avatars looked like characters from old westerns.    They wore cowboy suits and carried six-shooters.   They had big hats and large mustaches – and many of the Avatars looked exactly like illegal aliens from Mexico, or traditional Banditos.   The Banditos looked askance at the state of affairs on the Earth – They concluded that people were screwing up a beautiful world, taking the planet down a path of chaos and destruction.   The Banditos surrounded Gilroy and talked gibberish (the translation rhinestones were not working correctly).   Gilroy was not certain how he arrived at the Arena.   One moment he was with Shareen trying to avoid her repulsive father and the next he was in the Arena. Big Momma, the Avatar who looked like a dance hall queen, took stern aim at Gilroy and demanded answers.   Unfortunately he couldn’t understand a word she spoke – it all sounded like vocal exercises performed by an opera diva who could not sing.   At the same time, large video screens were flashing what appeared to be advertisements for sexual enhancement products.   Gilroy was stumped, but the fate of humankind rested on his skinny shoulders – this fact was clear by the expressions on the faces of all the Avatars.  What could he say to defend himself and the rest of his species.   There was nothing he could say, especially since no one seemed to understand what was being said.  Gilroy made a rash decision: he danced.  Fortunately he was still wearing his tap shoes.    Tap dancing was Gilroy’s specialty – that and cooking chinese food but there was no wok in sight so he had to dance.   He tapped out Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue and gesticulated in all the right places.   The Avatars were duly impressed.   Many hands flapped and several heads became bubbles and floated into space.   Next moment, Gilroy awoke in bed with the scrumptious Shareen.   Her horrible Dad was running around the bed in a frenzy.   It was fortunate that her dad had morphed into a toy poodle – the dog was not nearly so intimidating.   Gilroy was never really certain what the Avatars decided about the fate of humankind,  nevertheless he vowed to enjoy the time he had left.

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